$%!# Advise

Sorry to keep everyone waiting. It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been busy writing let’s-just-say non-blog stuff. But I got desperate..
I need everyone’s advice on what to write in a Yelp review. (Feel free to put your entries into the comments below. Perhaps the winner will get posted.

I was in dire need for a massage and everyone in the city was booked except for one place out of down town that had some negative reviews for weirdness. In determination to finally get a massage, I decided to try them anyway.

These are the things I experienced in chronological / progressively worse order:

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#1

She looked like she hadn’t bathed in 2 days.

#2

She was drenched in patchouli.

#3

She was smacking gum.

#4

She was burping in my face what I imagined to be the kimchi kombucha she drank for lunch.

#5

She didn’t speak a single word to me when she came into the room but 10 minutes out of nowhere got incredibly chatty. She gasped and said “Oh my god! Are you a ‘Game of Thrones’ fan? I just realized it was less than 60 days away… The countdown has begun! … So, who is your favorite character?”

Thinking of a way to shut the conversation down as fast as possible because I did not want to be chatty, I said, “Melisandre.”

“Why!?” She asked in shock.

“Because,” I responded, “she’s the most complex and underrated character. And she’s the most intriguing because she’s a witch that hides who she really is.”

“Ooh!” She said, …

#6

“I’m a witch too!”

But of course you are… “Oh?” (I completely regret sounding inquisitive, by the way.)

“I’m a Fey.” Learning that meant ‘fairy’ from my pagan friends in Utah, I had no need to ask questions. But…

#7

Her approach to my massage changed from physiologically therapeutic to the ravings of a Woo Woo Wackado. (I don’t judge alternative approaches by the way, but I was here to get my muscles ripped up… not kneaded like Denise’s cat on my bald head… and that cat is lazy!)

#8

Her approach went to my belly where she shook it and said sing-songily, “I’m gonna shake shake shake this lymph from your stream.” Anyone who knows me now, I have a big belly and it was shaking the whole table. I tried so hard not to laugh out loud that it chortled like a hard mouth-closed snort. She froze and asked me if I was okay. “It’s just my allergies,” was all I could say on the spot.

She proselytized that shaking out and “draining” my lymph would help with that too. I asked her if she could go back to my shoulders and she said she has to work from the bottom up. And boy did she ever…

#9

She made me flip on my back where she dug into my glutes – and while she was doing that, out of nowhere, she slipper her fingers UNDER the butt cheek (yes, in the way you’re imagining right now).

I yelped and she said, “Oh I know it’s tight but we gotta get on the back side of that glute. It’s one of the most neglected muscles in the body.” (Snort #2 – Louder this time. She brings me a tissue.)

#10

She flipped me back over and started shaking my belly again. (Snort #3) “Can we work on my neck now!?”

#11

My question was ignored. “You need an enema, young man.” My head flung up to look at her like she was bat fecal crazy.

This did not stop her from starting to press on my stomach. I dropped my head and talked to the ceiling, “I’m sorry, I really need you to work on my shoulders.”

“Okay,” She said, “just about done and we’ll get going on your crown.”

“My crown?”

“Your crown chakra.” (Snort #4 + Invisible eye roll)

“Have you ever had a colonic?”

“Yes,” I lied. I didn’t want her to ‘teach’ me anything more at this vulnerable point.

“Oh good. You should get one. Your ascending colon is redirecting against gravity to attach to your liver.” Pretty sure that’s not how that works. “I’ll give you the information for my colon hydrotherapist. You’ll love her. She works over at the Tummy Temple.” (Snort #5)

#12

She flipped me back over. Finally, she was going to work on my shoulders … (she began pushing on my stomach again)… or not. She pushed so hard she made some of my “lymph” … “drain.”

The rest of my session, I just stared at the ceiling, eyes frozen wide, while she massaged my neck, forehead, and shoulders. “You really need to relax, it’s fighting against the therapy.”

“Mmhmm,” was all I could say. “No shit,” was all I could think, “but if I relaxed any more, I’d fear what would happen.”

#13

Suddenly, I heard the door shut. She’d left like she had entered. With awkward stiffness, I rolled onto my tenderized posterior, sitting up more tense than when I sat down.

Sweat beaded on every inch of my body as I imagined what it would be like to get a man pap smear from that colonoctopus. And I googled “Tummy Temple” – Yes, it’s real.

(Snort #6 – snort to end all snorts)