Life On My Own Terms (Part 1)

The World as I See Make It.

Salt Lake City/ Austin 2015

It has been a long time since my last post. This does not go without reason. My life went and changed incredibly fast on me. It all began, as it usually has, while singing in the car.

I was driving on my way to work one day, incredibly stressed about having to go back. It was one of those jobs that I felt utterly disrespected in. We have all had them so I won’t go into the details. I had been struggling with the idea of quitting for a while.

I turned on my radio because it always helped me relax. It was on a top-charts radio station (something that many people who knew me as an opera singer would never assume in a million years I would listen to). Right away started Pit Bull and Ne-Yo’s “Time of Our Lives.” This is the type of song I call a Twinkie song. It has all sorts of nasty ingredients and provides nothing but guilt but it sure does taste good when you crave comfort food. I started singing along and got a little carried away since my coffee was freshly pumping through my veins and I was trying to pump myself up like a soldier getting ready to go into battle.

In other words, I started singing along operatically (as I have the tendency to do on rare occasion), “I knew my rent was gon’ be late about a week ago…”

I come to a stop light.

“I worked my ass off…,” I turn to look out my window, still singing, and there is a cop looking right at me through his window. He rolls down his window and signals for me to do the same. I trail off in nervous diminuendo mid line as I roll down my window, “…but I still can’t pay it though.”

He grins mischievously.

I grin uncomfortably.

He turns up his radio to where I can hear it. “Ooooh! I want the time of my life…”

It turns out we were listening to the same song on the same radio station at the same time.

He joins along to the radio, “Have me a good time, before my time is up,” gesturing me to join, “let’s get it now.”

I caved and join him, “Oooooooh, I want the time of my life…” We sing along another 10 seconds until the light turned green where we both suddenly turn down our radios and he turns left towards fighting crime as I go forward on toward fighting for my dignity.

It dawned on me in that moment that that day could be my last day in that job. I had many options, no children to support, a strong support system, and a number of jobs I was in the running for. I decided that I was going to give my notice THAT day. I finished the song as I pulled into the office parking lot more chipper than my first day there.

A few hours after I gave my notice, the universe came together. I received another invitation to be on the radio and I got two more invitations for final job interviews. A week later, I passed a very difficult professional certification exam that I’d spent over a year studying for (which had been a challenge since my whole brain had been on opera for decades) and I received 3 job offers virtually at once.

At the heart of the epiphany was that I was responsible for my own happiness and success. I know that is a big ‘ol DUH for most people, but I don’t believe most people truly understand what that means. It was the concept of true responsibility I had been missing. I was stuck in a situation with my job that I could not fix and I’d let all of the people making me miserable in the situation distract me from my own responsibility with it. Being responsible is not just doing what you say you will do or taking care of your business. It runs far deeper than that. It is also owning every decision you make and every feeling you express.

I chose to accept that job even though there were red flags. I used my need for money and experiences to overlook those red flags. Looking back, it was a choice. If someone had told me that, I’d respond with a “but…” 

But nothing. 

That’s what it is, despite my circumstances. And when I had a bad boss and my job became frustrating, it was ultimately my choice to be miserable because I chose to stay. I wanted to walk away right then and there but that would have caused more problems that I didn’t want to deal with. I made a plan, set out a course for fixing the problem while focusing on how I was going to use my previous decision to stay in my favor. Even though I was “stuck” there another few weeks, I was uplifted and de-stressed by the power of my own empowerment, which only came from taking my own responsibility; owning my choices, owning my part of the equation that led to a less desired outcome.

Looking back from that lesson, I see so many moments that would have been very helpful had I realized this sooner. That abusive relationship that lingered far longer than it needed to because I wouldn’t own my responsibility in the decision I had made to stay. Making a plan and seeing my power in the whole situation would have made it so much smoother… Such as that poor financial decision, that bad social decision, or that extra donut…

I’m a survivor, by many accounts. I’ve psyched myself in and out of brave situations. I’ve lived a lie in various forms to protect myself socially, physical, and even spiritually. Had I been empowered by this understanding of responsibility, who knows… Maybe I wouldn’t have stayed in the closet as long, used so many thees and thous in my public prayers, gone to a religious college, been an opera singer… maybe I would never have felt the need to fake that exorcism…

That’s right, exorcism.

[To Be Continued…] Chicago 2001